I’m losing faith. Losing faith in myself and the fact that I’ll be stuck in this rut forever.
I’m pretty sure I’ve been ‘stuck’ in the same place in life for the last 10 years. I’m not going anywhere. It’s like I’m riding on one big wave. I have a job that I’m thankful for, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly.
More importantly, I have my life and I have my kids. I’m blessed beyond measure, but I’m not handing the things I dwell on, to God. That is so hard for me to do. Letting go, and letting God. Let me give my worries to Him and be able to live more – for Him.
I feel like I have so much to offer, but I’m so busy over-thinking and worrying, that I’m lost. I constantly question why I’m still in this dark place within my life. I can live with the anxiety, but I’m getting tired of living unhappy. Living with someone, who I’ve felt, has brought me down instead of up. I watch him living his life, getting what he wants, and then, I watch him dwindling down to nothing while he is high on cloud 9.
It’s not fair. That’s what I keep hearing myself saying. I want to succeed, I want my kids to succeed and learn about respect. Looking around, I see the things I COULD have had. Now, I look around and see the things I don’t have.
It’s time I turn the ‘me and I’s’ around and turn them into, “What does HE want”? And, what does He want for me? It’s time to let him take control. I’m afraid. Anxious. Nervous. Overwhelmed. But, it’s’ time. If I have to live in an unhappy home, if even for a short while longer, I will. I will have to find it in me, to have faith. Something I’ve lost so long ago.
I know I can’t go on much longer. I want to walk closer to God, like I once did. I want to feel His loving arms wrap around me. Telling me it’s OK. Those are the things I want and need.
Have you ever felt lost in your faith?