If you’re ‘lucky’ enough to have anxiety, as do I, then you may know just how bad the night time really is.
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) a few years ago, and in short, it’s the worst thing E-V-E-R! No lie! It’s like the deepest, darkest area of my life I want nothing to do with. I’m not sure many people who suffer from anxiety of any kind, actually enjoy it.
It comes and goes, but mostly? It stays. Always lurking in the shadows, ready to show it’s ugly head. Like tonight – it’s here and it ain’t leavin’! Nope, I’ve got my good ole sidekick, kickin’ it with me pulling yet another all-niter. Because, well, why not?
Hell, I’ve probably got a mixture of GAD and Hypochondria! I’m pretty sure I’ve got everything there is on Google. Seriously people, don’t Google your symptoms. You’ll regret it later when you can’t sleep!
I don’t know how to go on some times. It gets hard. Knowing that this isn’t going to go away. That I’ll always have this ‘thing’ wrong with me. I hate it. I hate myself for having ‘IT’. But, I deal with it. Even though I don’t like ‘just dealing with it’. I do anyways. I do it for me, and for my kids. For my family and for God. I know I’m here for a reason. Whatever that reason is, I’m not to know, just that I’m here. I’d like to think I’m here to make a difference in people’s lives. But, I haven’t figured out how to go about doing that.
There’s so much going through my head 90% of the time, the other 10% I’m sleeping. I don’t know how to turn my mind off. I keep telling myself, “If I had this, this, and this done, I’d be OK!” In reality, I’m not sure I would be. I just keep thinking to myself how unhappy I am. How unhappy I am with the way my life turned out. The bad thing is…I have the rest of my life to make it better! And, I KNOW it! Yet, I still think negative.
I get anxious thinking about the ‘what if’s’ in life, when I shouldn’t be so worried about that. I should live more for the NOW and not the, “if this happens, then what will I do?”‘s?
Example’s of an anxiety filled mind:
“What if I have cancer? What will happen to my kids? I don’t want them to grow up without a mom! I didn’t, I mean, I had a mom!”
“What if I go to the dentist for this tooth that’s been bothering me, and something goes awry, and something happens to me?”
“I could be allergic to this food, or that medicine! What will I do?”
“What if I need help in the middle of the night, and everyone is asleep and won’t know?”
“I’ll never get out of debt!” (OK, this is a big one amongst those of us WITHOUT anxiety)!
“I’m feeling funny/weird, could I be dying?”
“Maybe I have something, and the doctor just doesn’t believe me.”
Those are just SOME of the thoughts that run wild in my mind. Then, it just makes my anxiety even worse. Most of the time, at night, when my anxiety is at it’s highest, I’ll go snuggle one of my kids in bed. It’s what worries me most (other than financially) about being a single mom. Those nights I won’t have my kids, I’m afraid of how I’ll feel. Afraid of how much I’ll struggle.
For tonight, I’ll manage my outrageous thoughts, and snuggle with this sweet boy and my imaginary glass of wine.